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[25 Jan 2014|10:21pm]
its ironic... this is a post i made exactly 9 years ago... and right now, today, i really feel this.

Pain bad? he asked, knowing with his quick cleverness that it had not passed as I said it would. He did not know, as I did, that this was a pain that would never pass. It was not a share of bad meat which was tearing my belly; it was the loss of her which hit me afresh, every time I laughed, every time I saw something which would have given her joy.
No, I said, denying his insight, denying the comfort he might have given me. I've no pain.

I thought now that perhaps he had been a good friend and I could have stayed there, and that he would have helped me with my grief. Here I could not speak of it, could not be seen to be grieving. Here I had to lock it up in some cold part of my heart and never let anyone know, never let anyone see, that I was cold and aged and as dead as a smashed doll inside.

He did not know that to think of the old life made me more careless about myself, more feckless about my future than anything else could have done. For they, and I, were still alive. But she was dead.

I knew myself then to be bereft, but I had been so lonely and so hungry for so long that I did not jump up on Se and ride down to Acre to seek Will out and make things clear with him. Instead I hunched up my shoulders and hugged my knees and watched the sun set redly in the sky, and huddled my feelings of loneliness and sadness within me, as a familiar longing.
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so wierd [02 Apr 2007|02:36am]
to actually look like someone who's related to you.
to have somebody's eyes and somebody's smile... and be told this.
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[31 Jul 2006|07:58pm]
i love surfing
even though im no good
and i love getting pictures
even though they all turn out atrocious
i love love love that we still talk
even though thats all we can do
and i loooooove that i have a few more weeks to waste before school
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beautiful isnt the only james blunt song that ever existed [31 Jul 2006|07:52pm]
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
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[25 Jun 2006|08:46pm]
today i bought a new pair of frankie b's.
these ones are the cutest by far.
i think ima sell all my true religions on ebay.
they just dont fit right.
+600 in my pocket. not bad.

tonight me and julia went to eat at chicago.
first time ive been in there for about a month.
my master plan worked.
the text was better than you even know.

but it doesnt matter.
since havasu ive taken time to work on myself.
scrapbooking. gardening. playing with my puppy. going to the gym.
ive realized a lot.
and im trying to cut back on all the things that make my life crazy.
including him.
so even though the text was amazing.
im going to ignore it.
...for now.
it will drive him crazy.
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[16 May 2006|05:28pm]
reading my entries from last may makes me sad.
i was so happy.
it was so perfect.
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[16 May 2006|05:24pm]
two weeks notice: given.

it felt so good, you dont even know.
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[10 May 2006|04:57pm]
You see the wheat fields over there? I don't eat bread. For me wheat is of no use whatever. Wheat fields say nothing to me. Which is sad. But you have hair the color of gold. So it will be wonderful, once you've tamed me! The wheat, which is golden, will remind me of you. And I'll love the sound of the wind in the wheat...

"Ah, I shall weep."
"It's your own fault, I never wanted to do you any harm, but you insisted that I tame you..."
"Yes, of course."
"But you're going to weep!"
"Yes, of course."
"Then you get nothing out of it?"
"I get something, because of the color of the wheat."
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[05 May 2006|04:22pm]
blah blah blah.
im supposed to be at wills bbq but he is a lagger and i\snt here yet,
dude. i am fucked up. just so we all know,
happy cinco de mayO!!!!!!!!!!!1
i hsbr the hiccups, and i just took the day off work, but now i am doing NOTHING,
fuck yhou wiilliam.
hurry the hell up. I AM BORED!!!!!!11
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[04 May 2006|04:02pm]
i paid my first (nordstrom) bill via internet.

now i think its time for some fun.
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[04 May 2006|03:58pm]
Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo!!! WOO HOO!
Will's bbq at 10,
alcohol and cute boy(s).

possibly drunk?

Club ???? for Taryn's birthday.
more alcohol and dancing, (hopefully with cute boys).

I have to go shopping for something to wear.
What do people wear on cinco de mayo?
Maybe a cute sombrero....?

I won't think about you once.
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[30 Apr 2006|10:01pm]
i watched the mtv "nick lachey: whats left of me" special.
and nick is my new love.

tomorrow i pick up my puppy.
and im so excited.
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[28 Apr 2006|01:31pm]
"there are those who love and those who are loved. ill never love and pine and fall sick for someone. i shall be the one who is loved, and gets the presents and the loving and the pleasure... and then moves on."

i thought swiftly of my father, bluff and heart-whole, and of my mother's stifled sighs and pining for the love of her son. then i thought of the girls i had seen in the village follow a lad with their eyes and blush scarlet and grow pale. of the village girl who drowned herself in fenny pool when her lover went into service in kent. of the constant pain there is for a woman in loving, and wedding, and childbirth and the loss of looks and then the loss of love.

"i shant be the one who loves either."
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[30 Mar 2006|08:38pm]
this has to be a fucking joke.

my purse is gone.
with all my stuff.
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[29 Mar 2006|04:24pm]
This is the moment that you know,
That you told her that you loved her, but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think,
That she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.

So one last touch and then you'll go,
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more.
But it was vile,
And it was cheap,
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me.
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[09 Mar 2006|03:08pm]
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “how can you do this to me?”
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
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[05 Mar 2006|09:00pm]
omg alana!!!
today i played ZOOMBINIS!!
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[22 Feb 2006|09:06pm]
Maybe you've been through this before
But it's my first time so please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you

I can't always be waiting, waiting on you
I can't always be playing, playing your fool

I keep playing your part
But it's not my scene
Want this plot to twist
I've had enough mystery
Keep building it up
Then shooting me down
But I'm already down

Just wait a minute
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[07 Feb 2006|03:30pm]
Then he walked up and told her, thinking that he'd passed
And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions when you're dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

Either way he wanted her and this was bad
He wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart
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[24 Jan 2006|11:20pm]
i don't even know what to say about this.
it's one of the worst feelings ever to know that you fucked up one of the best things you've ever had.
i had so many chances.

i never learn.

today i went to elco and took the placement tests.
then i went to look for a new job.
olive garden basically said i was hired if i could get two lunch shifts off from school.
i don't think that will be a problem.
i'm hoping it won't be.

i need a new job.
i can fix this.

oh my god.
what have i done.
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